Having recently passed the nine year mark of wedded bliss…we sat down and contemplated on how blissful our marriage really was. All of us who’ve been into this for quite sometime now know exactly what I’m talking about. After five or more years (or sometimes earlier) things get complicated. Nothing seems to be the same anymore and the rants begin. There are times when you start to question whether you’ve made the right decision…whether you’re with the right person. And to top it all there’s lack of physical intimacy or satisfaction of any kind. If you have kids then you know that things will never ever be the same again. No doubt the kids complete you but you kind of lose yourself as a couple in between them.
Over the years couples begin to complain that nothing feels the same anymore. There might be a lot of reasons why physical intimacy and satisfaction go down the drain. The mind is a weird thing and seeks newness all the time. At this point in the relationship your mind knows each and every detail – how things will begin and how they’ll end. Eventually we resort to saying “gone are those days” and then slowly and steadily we start to give up on doing anything intimate with each other. We begin to have ‘scheduled nights’ and make peace with that.
But then we often ask ourselves….is this how its going to end? Is this what married life is all about? Every other day you begin to wonder, will it ever be the same again? Will the old days return? Well, the answer is both ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Things are never going to be the same again because like everything else, life has moved on, you’ve matured and priorities have changed. The old days cannot return. But, remember that you can work it out and make things better. Somebody once told me marriage is hard work and its never easy. You’ve got to give it all you’ve got and be willing to make thoughtful changes.
So can things get better? Of course they can. Remember that every problem has a solution but this like all other things will require a lot of hard work.
1. For starters, sit down with each other, communicate….do it the old school way. Ask each other the most cliched question…do you still love me? For your sake I hope the answer is yes. And then learn to say this to each other more often. Over the years we forget to say these three simple words that mean so much. Text each other, leave small ‘I love you’ notes to each other….remember that it will make a difference.
2. If the love is lost somewhere….focus on each other. Begin to make each other a priority again and find that love. You’ll have to work extra hard to make things work. You might have to change and edit the things that your spouse / partner does not like in you. Yes you have to do that, make changes. But changes need to be balanced, changes cannot be made at the cost of losing one’s individuality.
3. To better your physical relationship, start talking about each other’s preferences. You definitely know each other in and out after all these years but people change. Bring in some newness but do not compel each other to do things that the other does not enjoy or like. The key is to let each other know what your preferences are. Simple intimate acts can make a huge difference.
4. As boring or rhetoric as it may sound…schedule a time for each other. Dinner date, movie night…or both on the same day or just a night alone at home. Do whatever works for you. Remember that in all this, communication is the key. Switch your mobiles off and concentrate on each other. The problem is, these days couples don’t seem interested in going that extra mile, they have almost accepted defeat.
5. Talk. Really talk to each other. There’s an old saying that there are things that you can tell your partner and there are things that you can’t. The truth is if that’s the case then it’s not right. Everybody have differences but that shouldn’t make you drift apart. You should be able to share each and every detail with your partner and still love each other unconditionally.
Writing the above does not make me an expert but over the years you tend to bicker and fight and then try whatever works 🙂